Longing

At the deepest core of ourselves, when we are most vulnerable and all else is pulled aside, we long for God. We were meant for Him and He initiates it all. It’s like we’re a complex Lego block and He alone perfectly connects to us.

But it is a challenge to stay in this place with Him. When we’re there, we think – this is where I want to stay! There is no place better! I’ll never leave! And that is what we are meant for, truly a taste of heaven itself.
It isn’t that easy, is it? It reminds me of those little handheld dexterity games I played a lot in my childhood. There would be several holes and teeny little balls that you had to try to tip into them. So frustrating! Just when you thought you had it, a different little ball would roll off, or worse still, you would get bumped and had to start over (or give up, which was the inevitable ending!)

Intimacy with God isn’t meant to be hard, but with sin in the picture, it is. Some days I’d say there were 100 of those balls rolling everywhere and I want to cry with frustration because I just CAN’T DO IT! The small victory of getting one ball in place means little because it won’t stay.

Today, that’s what the hope of intimacy and complete surrender to God seems like. The problem is, we are truly unable to keep any area of our lives as it should be without God’s direct help. We do try though! Personally, I try too hard – it becomes an issue of pride that comes between my Lord and me. His way is simple – “close your eyes and allow me to solve the game.” Often this doesn’t really appeal to me. “But, God, I am pretty good at it! I can help! Look!” And my eyes go back to me and my strength and my wisdom, and for the hundredth time that day I forget He’s even there for a while.

I guess it just amazes me how easily I get distracted. Now, sin, temptation, sure…that stuff takes a lot of effort and grace to avoid. But, somehow all the good things and great things also easily grab my attention. They are good things and great things God had given to me, that are meant to be a blessing and point to him! It makes no sense, but my heart can get so off course so easily even with the good things. What it comes down to in keeping God first and foremost in our hearts and minds, is giving it all to Him to make it happen. We want to be committed to our Lord. We want to stay on track and be righteous people we were meant to be. But, I find it a relief to just admit frequently, it’s not going to happen unless it’s all on Him. I am incapable of maintaining the relationship I desire with God. I need 100% of God’s help. I pray I’ve gotten better, but it’s not helpful to think I can do this on my own. It’s all on God. I bring Him my heart, as open and surrendered as is possible for me that moment and ask Him to do all of the rest. I close my eyes and quit trying to “help” God. 

There, finally, I find the sweetest communion, the most power, the best peace. There, my eyes are on Him and I actually find Him. Or better put, He finds me.

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